While not legally required in some states, vows are one of the most common of all wedding ceremony traditions. They are also one of the best ways to personalize your ceremony and to incorporate something that is truly meaningful to both partners.
What Is a Wedding Vow?
Let’s start by discussing what a wedding vow is not. If you Google the words “wedding vows” you’ll probably find something like this:
Abigail, will you have Patrick to be your husband, to live together in marriage?
Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health,
and forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?
Abigail: I will.
Sounds nice, right? There’s only one small problem. This isn’t a wedding vow. This is a part of the wedding ceremony known as the Declaration of Intention. This is a question asked by an officiant and, in most states (including NC), is a legally required part of the ceremony. Even though the wording may seem like something you’d hear in a wedding vow, the distinction is that the Declaration of Intention is spoken between the officiant and the couple. A vow, on the other hand, is spoken between the two partners.
So, back to the original question, what is a vow? At its simplest, a vow is promise made to one’s partner on their wedding day. A vow can be something as simple as saying, “I promise to love you forever” or something more elaborate, but the important thing is that you make promises to one another.
Now let’s talk about how you make those promises. What are the options?
Traditional Wedding Vows
The term “traditional wedding vows” can be misleading. There’s really no such thing as the traditional wedding vows. The wording depends on the particular tradition from which it was derived. For example, there are vows that are traditional to the Catholic faith that are very different from what you might hear in a secular or civil ceremony. When I hear that a couple wants to use “traditional vows” it usually means that they want to speak their vows in a repeat-after-me format instead of creating their own wording and reading it to each other. You can find examples of vows in this style on pages 3-9 in this document.
Personal Wedding Vows
Personal vows can take a variety of forms. They can be free-flowing or highly structured. They can even be written in the more traditional “repeat-after-me” format but still be very personalized with your own wording.
“Hybrid” Wedding Vows
Your choice of vow style isn’t an “either/or” proposition. You can do both! Consider writing just a few short sentences of personal statements to each other and then use the more traditional, repeat-after-me format.
What’s Best for You?
How do you decide what’s right for you?
Consider your potential emotional state. Do you cry easily? Do you tend to get emotional when sharing your feelings?
Are you comfortable speaking in public?
Do you find it difficult to put your feelings into words?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may want to consider alternatives to writing your own, personal vows.
A particular favorite of mine is when couples write their personal vows to each other in the form of a letter delivered to their partner on their wedding day. You can even exchange letters during a First Look or First Touch with your photographer or videographer there to capture the moment.
How to Write Your Personal Vows
There are no rules for writing your personal wedding vows, but I’ve found these ideas to be helpful.
Remember the definition of a vow? It’s a promise. What promises do you want to make to your partner?
The exchange of wedding vows is not the time to share remembrances or stories. Those are certainly romantic and even fun, but they shouldn’t take the place of making your promises.
Think about what your partner wants to hear from you. Stop for a moment and let that sink in. We don’t all express love in the same way. You may like to hear romantic words while your partner prefers that you spend quality time with him or her. If you’ve not done so before, I would strongly recommend taking the Five Love Languages assessment together, learning what your partner’s primary love language is and then making promises that fit that love language.
Agree on a format or length. You don’t want to be embarrassed on your wedding day because your personal vows are much shorter than your partner’s. For example, you may want to agree to each make five promises to each other or agree on a certain word count.
Remember, this isn’t a competition! You don’t have to outdo each other. Find the words in your heart and speak them to each other.
What’s Next?
Start writing! And, if you don’t know where to start, seek out the help of a professional wedding officiant who has experience in working with couples to write their own vows. I provide my engaged couples with plenty of examples and ideas to serve as inspiration as they write their vows and I even serve as an impartial “referee” to help make sure that they are of similar style and length. Contact me and let me know how I can help!
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